Huxian [Inner Thoughts]: Because no matter how you look at it, the feelings are real. I’m frustrated by everything that’s happened, at everything that seems to be blocking me from what I want. I’m angry at myself, at what happened and my inability to change it, angry that there’s a weak part of me that just can’t let go. And I’m afraid that no matter what I do, I’ll lose everything.
*Clenching his hands into fists*
But it’s like in that dream, all it does is clamp down and choke out the very life of me, like I was buried alive and waiting to suffocate, too scared to move lest I lose what I have left, yet too scared not to fight and die in the darkness.
What kind of life is that? Why am I letting myself be held back? There isn’t anything left for me there than a dark grave alone? Why am I afraid to reach out towards the light and breathe? I don’t want to lose anything else! I don’t want to lose her! I do not….no, I won’t give up yet!
Little Black Fox: Yip!
*Jerking out of his thoughts, he looked down at the little fox in his lap, tail wagging furiously as it finally got his attention. Shakilly, Huxian sighed, reaching down to caress the creature’s soft fur*
Huxian: I’m sorry, little one. I was distracted.
Little Black Fox: Yip! Yip!
Huxian: For me? Thank you.
*The Fox dropped a letter into his outstretched hand before bounding off. Carefully, he opened the envelope and pulled out the letter inside. Unfolding it, his eyes trailed over the elegant calligraphy*
-Letter-
When you’ve made up you mind, place the ring on your finger. I shall speak to my husband. For now, take rest there. Don't worry about the girl, I’ll make sure the other gods don’t touch her while you are away.
Mama.
Huxian: So you both intend to meddle…
Voice: Of course. I am the elder one of us, so it would be my job to guide my foolish little brother when he needs it...whether he wishes for it or not. *Sigh* You know, survivor’s guilt really is something else. And I keep forgetting you aren’t a god, too~
*Out from the shadows, the goddess stepped into the room, gracefully crossing her legs as she took a seat at the bottom of the bed. The silvery moonlight streaming through the windows bathing her regal form in an ethereal glow*
Venus: If you were still him, I feel you would have been able to shrug this off by now. But alas, you’re still…nevermind.
Huxian: *Wince* I’m...sorry.
Venus: Don’t be sorry, be better. ‘Take her hand. I’m sure she will help you find your way’ - isn’t that what mother said when the pup first found you? *Scoff* How time flies, yet she’s still such a crybaby. I can hear her, you know.
Huxian: *Shock*...
Venus: Jokingly* You’re such a bad ‘kiddy’, you know. Shouldn’t you be with your little one? She may not be calling out your name, but she is hoping you would come home. Hey, won’t you go see her, lost little ‘kiddy cat’?
*Silence reigned between them as Huxian grasped his hands tightly, head dipped low, lips pressed tightly. A moment passed. Two. Not a word spoken. Finally, Venus sighed*
Venus: Fine-
Huxian: No...no. I’ll go. I’ll….I want to...need to see her.
Venus: *Huff* Finally grown some balls?
*Huxian bared his teeth in a vulpine sneer. Unphased, the goddess ignored him*
Venus: Here
*Carefully, the deity removed one of the many jewels that adorned her throat. In her hand, it seemed to glow with a strange light of an unknown power. Almost casually, she threw the jewel in Huxian’s direction, who quickly snatched it from the air, eying it suspiciously*
Huxian: What is-?
Venus: When ready, say ‘Return me to my beloved’. A door shall take you to her. But for all that is holy and pure, clean yourself up first. I mean, you are supposed to be the Lord of the Mountain right now, yet you more resemble a damned hermit.
SFX: Finger snap!
*A pile of high quality clothing appeared on the dresser, neatly pressed and folded. From what he could see of them, they appeared to be western in origin. They were certainly far more showy than what he was currently wearing. Now that Venus mentioned it...as Huxian absently ran his fingers through his hair, it didn’t feel too pleasant.*
Huxian: Do I look that unsightly?
Venus: Ask your mirror.
*That said, the goddess left in a sparkle of light.
Still feeling strangely displaced, Huxian carefully slipped from the bed and padded to the dresser, glancing into the mirror, grimacing slightly as he saw himself for the first time in what felt like forever. He looked shabby and he could feel stubble at his chin as he rubbed a hand over his face. Usually, Huxian was very well groomed, taking pride in his appearance but, looking at himself right now, his skin crawled at the lack of care. How long had he been sleeping? Long enough at least that his hair had grown a few inches and - Ugh! - definitely need a shower to get the grease out. He shuddered a little, quickly ordering a servant to get the baths ready so he could fix such a travesty, despite the late hour. He wanted - no, needed to get clean. It felt almost symbolic*
Huxian [Inner Thoughts]: Alright, I need to get my thoughts in order and my head on straight.
*Carefully shifting the clothing to one side, he pulled out a notepad and an ink pen, flipping the pad open.*
Huxain [Inner Thoughts]: It might be a juvenile way to organise my thoughts, but physically writing them down might prove useful.
*Checking the inkwell of his pen, he nodded, satisfied, before beginning to write in elegant flowing script*
Huxian: What is it that I want?
Writing: I want to be able to move passed the issues that are holding me back. Whether it is Survivor’s guilt as Lady Venus believes, or if it’s something else equally misguided, all it is doing is hurting us all. This isn’t a legacy she would have wanted at all. Not for Rodessa, not for us. If I can deal with this base issue that is affecting everything else, then the rest should follow. The door that is locked tight between myself and my desires will finally be unlocked. I’ll finally be able to move past the fear that has left me stationary for so long
Huxian: If I were to be asked who I see when I close my eyes at night?
Writing: I see two people, though for different reasons in my desires for them. A love of the past and a love of the present. Lihua helped to save my soul at the cost of my heart and a part of me will always feel something for her, but my desires there are more that she lived rather than die due to my mistakes. The desire the right a wrong. The other is a desire for the one who found the broken pieces that had been shattered and painstakingly put everything back together piece by piece, no matter how ungrateful or difficult I had been. Rodessa nursed my heart until it beat once again. With her I desire a partner, I desire a confident, I desire a future with her at my side.
Huxian: And as for the girl I see when I wake?
Writing: Rodessa. Logically, I’ve known this for a long time, even though my guilt and trauma had me shy away. It’s just been my fears of loss that stopped me from acting on my desires, because I don’t want to lose Roza the way I lost Lihua. So I tried to ignore them, thinking she deserves better. She does, of course, but that doesn’t mean my feelings are worthless, especially when she makes no secret that the one she wants is me. What is more, even if I shy away, my heart's already in her hands. Were she gone, I’m not sure I would be capable of continuing. To have a future, for both of us, I think, I need her at my side, the one who shelters what’s left of my heart. She brings a balance to my existence. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps, I’ve needed her all along.
Huxian: I know at times I can be emotionally...unavailable. I know there is someone I can’t forget-
Writing: Lihua. The person I am now was shaped because of her actions and her sacrifice. Without her, I would have lost my conscience, what little I had remaining back then. Through her, I relearned compassion, I relearned the things that I know Rodessa likes about me. If it weren’t for that, no matter how horrible the experience, Rodessa would have despised me. And I cannot forget that she, too, was someone that I had loved with all my heart. To forget Lihua, to forget what she did, it would be like throwing her sacrifice to the ground and spitting on it. I can never, should never, forget her, even if I may one day finally be able to shed the cloak of grief and guilt and step into the future.
Huxian: And it’s cruel of me to ask you to wait, so I won’t, but-
Writing: If I am to move passed what happened and to be the man you can be proud of, the man you deserve, that can be devoted to you and not split between you and a ghost, It isn’t something that can be rushed. It’s not fair to you. It’s as you’ve said, one cannot compete with a ghost. And I don’t want you to. If I have that time, what I need to be able to make peace with what happened, then what had kept me separated behind that clear titanium wall will no longer hold me back. My heart will be yours with no contest. That way, neither of us will be hurt just staying at each other’s side and both of us can look to a brighter future without being stabbed in the back by the ghosts of the past.
Huxian: I know those cliche, those ‘three little words’. I know that they don’t hold water at this point, so I won’t say them yet. But still, I want you to know…
Writing: That even if it takes a little time for me to finally forgive myself of my failures, I will still be there for you, whenever you need me. Because even if I’ve held back, I still care for you. You have helped to save me from myself. You were the light in my darkness. And I will forever hold you above any other person living. You are precious to me and I hope that I can one day show you just how much. No matter what, I want to stay by your side, because you are the home my fractured heart has found sanctuary.
*Before he could write more, or wonder how his notes had somehow managed to seemingly turn into a letter, a knock on the door caught his attention. Setting aside his pen, he looked up as the servant he had spoken to earlier returned*
Servant: Master, the baths are ready
Huxian: My thanks. And….apologies, for the late hour.
Servant: *Bow* Please, this way, my lord.
*Following the servant to the bath, he stripped himself of his sleepwear and stepped into the water. However, despite what he expected, it didn’t seem to do much beyond soak and warm his skin. Beyond that, he still felt as if he was unclean in some way. Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair, trying to figure out what was missing, when movement caught his eye. At the edge of the bath, a woman was kneeling, pouring something into the bath from a large gourd like jar - a strangely familiar woman*
Huxian: Lady---Mother?
Parame: Hm? Ah. I am just treating the water, dear one. You’ll feel better soon.
*Oddly enough, she was right. As she continued to pour the jar’s contents into the water, it began to gleam an ethereal blue as it mixed in with the heated bath. Slowly, it felt as if it sank deep into his weary body, deeper than the warmth of the water itself, the feeling of ‘unclean’ slowly beginning to wash away with every ripple. Letting out a shuddering sigh, he felt himself relax more than he had done in years, eyes half closing as the servants meticulously washed and trimmed his silvery hair and shaved his jaw as the goddess scattered flowers into the water, and with the adding of salt from the deity, the servants washed his form.
Finally, Parame slipped off her sandals and dipped her feet into the water*
Huxian: *Clasping hands together* Mother...Will I be able to mend-
Parame: Ask me that question once you have taken your first step, my boy. The way you are now, should your threads be broken now, even I may not be able to repair them. Yes, we are being pushy with you, I know, mayhap more in this life than your last.
*The goddess clasped her own hands together, her expression grave as her grip tightened*
Parame: ...And yet, this is an attempt to...right a wrong from your past life.
Huxian: ...What happened?
Parame: *Sadly* It matters not. T’was but a collapsed timeline than all four of us would rather forget.
Huxian: ...You’re talking about that, aren’t you? The Game of Gods.
Parame: Yes but…*Pausing, looking a little closer* Ah, that’s right. A little of their memories are bleeding over, huh.
Huxian: *Slightly uncomfortable* Yes….not everything, but...just enough that I can get a sense of things.
Parame: *Sympathetically* I know that this is hard on you, and that you need to heal, but despite the phantom sensations, the physical scars have long since faded. I have granted you the tools to face your emotional wounds. Now is the time to use them, for both of your sakes.
*A long moment passed as he mulled over those words. Finally, taking a deep breath, Huxian sat up straight*
Huxian: ...Where is she now?
Parame: Attending a masquerade party, one of few leading up to the Hallow’s Eve Ball. The outfit Venus left for you should prove fitting.
*Feeling that he was finished soaking in the waters, Huxian stepped out of the bath. An attendant armed with towels quickly moved to his side to dry his body and hair in a manner that made his heart clench a little. It wasn’t the touch itself that he missed, per say, but rather something else he recalled. The image of Rodessa doing the same actions leapt to his mind, leaving an odd moment of duel image before he shook it off as the attendant helped him into a fresh robe, but the odd sense of longing the image had brought lingered behind*
Huxian [Inner Thought]: I miss her…
Huxian:...Mother?
Parame: Yes?
Huxian: You’re the one who’s showing me these visions, aren’t you?
Parame: Hm….Yes and no. I might allow it to the surface, but what you see is what your own subconscious is projecting. That Child was the only one able to build a bridge between space and time. Again, it is mostly little Nari-chi’s influence. But that is not the only influence. Your souls are calling out to each other. I am only allowing you to ‘see’. One day, you yourself will be able to do this very thing. It took Nari-chi a good week to figure it out. I Wonder how long Huey-chi will take?
Huxian: I’d rather see her in person than a mirage...Can I see her?
Parame: I don’t know. Can you?
Huxian: *Exasperated* Mother…
Parame: *Weak Chuckle* Ah, rather, the better question would be, do you truly have the strength to do so?
*Closing his eyes, he took a breath. He could feel it, an uncomfortable sting pricking at his heart, the tang of salt of her tears at his tongue and nose. Clenching his hands at his side, he gritted his teeth.*
Huxian: I need to see her again...I need to fix this.
Parame: So, you’ll finally be able to move?
Huxian: I need to. I have to.
Parame: Then I suggest you do so quickly. ‘When it comes to that girl, I don’t have much time, I’m afraid’
Huxian: *Concerned* You said that before...last time and then...that night happened. She...who she was...gone-
Parame: *Mimicking the girl’s voice* ‘Don’t separate the two. We’re the same person’.
Huxian: I get that, but-
Parame: *Mimicking the girl’s voice* ‘You’re insulting the whole by separating the two’, ‘Are you telling me you wouldn’t love me the same even if I did forget about you?’
Huxian: Mother...My feelings have not changed...but my outlook on the world...and my position might be….I promise, I’ll take a step! I just-
Parame: That is all I ask of you. Now, get dressed by evening. Use Venus’ gift. You will find them useful. Oh, and the mirror on the dresser - I’ve enchanted it. Use it to see her, if you must.
Huxian: How?
Parame: Be a well behaved child and ask nicely, little one. That said, for now, I shall take my leave. Until next time, my boy.
*With a smile, Parame was gone in motes of light, leaving Huxian alone once more. Taking a moment to orientate himself, Huxian returned to his room. As he stepped inside, he noticed that the maids had used his absence to remake the bed with fresh, clean sheets and fluffed up pillows. However, he ignored them for now - he would not be sleeping again just yet - instead dressed in one of his favorite outfits - it was still too early to dress in the clothes Venus had provided and he would hate to spoil them before the ball had even begun.
This left him in a quadery. There really was far too much time he needed top waste before he could speak with Rodessa again and he felt deeply restless. If he stayed in the room, he would either wear holes in the floor and further annoy his attendants, or he would drive himself to distraction. Worse, he would talk himself out of what he desperately needed to do and say. As such, to keep himself occupied, he went for a walk, re-familiarizing himself with his mountain home. However, he froze as he walked passed a room, only to feel a strange shudder pass over him. Doubling back a little, he eyed the room in question. Physically, nothing about it stood out, but something in him drew him to the room. He was about to reach out, to open it, before logic and reason reasserted themselves. Quickly, he pulled back. Now wasn’t the time.
Instead, he stepped outside, deciding to spend the afternoon outside, letting the fresh air and the mountain breeze along with the familiar grounding presence of ‘all of this is mine’ to help calm him, like a walking meditation to soothe his mind and harden his resolve on what he wanted to say.
Speaking of what he wanted to say….his mind drifted to the notes he had been making in his notebook. It had started as just jotting down his thoughts so they were in a logical order, but they had somehow turned almost into a letter to Rodessa. That...actually wasn’t a bad idea. Writing her a letter, that was. Whether he gave it to her or not was up for debate, but if nothing else it would help him to come up with the words he wanted to say, words from his heart being given actual form in a way he could communicate, that couldn’t be misunderstood by becoming mixed up from nerves. It wasn’t as though he didn’t have the time. Part of it was practically already written, in fact. Why not, then, focus himself on something heartfelt, rather than hoping time would pass quicker as his skin cooled to uncomfortable levels. At least it was productive and it would help him put words to his feelings, words that Rodessa needed to hear.
Enthused by the goal, Huxian quickly swept back into the building and to his room, opening to a fresh sheet of paper and began to write. So focused on his task, in fact, that by the time a servant knocked on his door, he practically jumped, then blinked to realise it was only through virtue of his vulpine sharp eyes that he had been able to see what he had been writing at all. When did it get so dark? Wait, how much time passed?
Huxian: Ah….yes? Enter?
*Either not noticing his bemused distraction or outright ignoring it, the servant - one of Parame’s attendants, now he could see the flowing Paradian uniform - entered the room with a low bow*
Parame’s Attendant: Master Huxian. It’s time to get ready.
*A spike of nerves shot through him, but the lord squashed them back with practiced ease. Rising to his feet, he offered the servant a tight smile*
Huxian: Very well then. Let’s begin. There is someone I certainly don’t wish to be late in meeting.
[END]
